How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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