I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
