it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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