Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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