are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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