you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
