I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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