i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
