Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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