I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
