Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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