my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
