It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can't put those talents on a resume
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
