hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
