so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
