This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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