o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
