He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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