I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
