If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want her autograph on my taint
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
