This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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