She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
