also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
