I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
