apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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