thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
