omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
