Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
