GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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