she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
