Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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