My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
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she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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