The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
