Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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