if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
