it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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