She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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