i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
