my phone needs a breathalizer
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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