just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize