I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
