I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
