Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Randomize
