watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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