I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
