I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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