Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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