Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
