Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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