I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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