I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
soo... how was my night?
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