Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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