i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
