i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
