Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
