What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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