he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
