why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
