The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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