"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
